Bitch, Fuck, Sad, Sad

Life sucks, friends are unfair sometimes, and why is it that everytime I go out with some friends I'm always the one to feel like if I'm the fucken 3rd wheel and shit. Always left out and shit, no huggy huggy shit for me, just fucken punches and kicks and nasty looks. Fuck that man, I have been treated like this for the past school life I had and I'm tired of it. Not even my friend(s) let me put my arm around them or be all close to them like freinds usually do, i have to sit across and far and be there like a fucken dumbass while the rest of them play and shit like that. Fuck that man, I've preyed to god so many times asking him to change this curse i have, i need affection too. People need hugs from time to time. People need to be close to someone from time to time. Its a human touch thing, I havent felt that since I was like 7, and I'm 20 years old now. I know its cuz i'm fat, who the fuck wants to be close and be all huggy huggy with someone like me. I've been told alot of things like "I dont hug seals" or "I cant put my hands around you" and shit like that, all by old so called "friends". I'm tired of feeling left out of all human touch and affection. If I had the chance I would have ended it now, but even that would be painfull. FUCK!!! I'm a nice guy, i love my friend(s), I love my family and I respect alot of things. I say things that get misunderstood and result in somone loosing trust in you, and i mean, whatever I cant write anymore, if I live another day I'll write again. fuck you , you cruel ass fucken life!!! 14 years of no affection and no close human contact has taken its toll on me, I'm human and I need that. And no fucking isnt affection or contact, its just sex. Affection and Contact is when the person lets you hug them, sit next to them with your arm around them, just kicking it. But nah, rapists get better treatment. If I loose a friend because of what I wrote here, its not my fault. Instead of talking about this I know for a fact. They will get mad, call me up and talk some shit and stop talking to me. Its predictable. But whatever, I just wish people wherent so fucken mean to people who look nasty, including me. ANd what makes it all worst is that I like this girl who is younger than me, and doesnt even see how much I love her. or I think its love, but at any case I have STRONG feelings for this girl, and well, I hope god has something good ahead cuz this is only the tip of bad things I have going for me.

Fucked Up Life Is

Dam I sure do have alot of complaining to do. But hey it's my blog so FUCK IT!. When someone has strong feelings towards someone, what should one do? especially when that person that the feelings are toward, doesnt have them for you. I've preyed to god, cried on many occasions, and sometimes cried myself to sleep and still nothing. If there is no chance, then why do I have this thought of a small hope in my head? why when I see her I feel a rush of feelings and emotions that I just cant comprehend. At times I sit and wonder and ask why is it that it always seems to go bad for me, no matter what the subject matter is. If I get a job, its one where I'm alone for 8 hours a day, and one that on my days off everyone else is working, leaving me alone 95% of the time. Why is it that whenever I try to do something to better my life, something happens that will prevent me from continuing that goal and cause me to go deeper in this pile of shit I call life. Why is it that I fall for the wrong people!?? I like this girl with my entire soul and heart, yet god hasnt helped her soul in seeing how much of my feelings for her have love in them, wierd to understand but whatever. I hardly get to see this girl, and hardly talk to her now that she's in school again. And what scares me is to loose her or any chance, if any, that I might have had with her for some fucker who would only like her for her "essentials" rather than her mind, heart and soul. This girl is perfect in any way, and you can debate me on this and no matter what my view on this will stand. I've never met any girl who has touched me the way she did, I've never met a girl who has caused vivid dreams of pleasure, happyness and joy. I've never met a girl who can understand me in so many ways. This is just a list of a fucken NOVEL that shows my bad luck life. I apply for a job right. No one applies for 2 weeks, then 2 more apply after those same 2 weeks, and they both get hired on the spot, WHAT THE FUCK!!! Then there is this one thing that is all my fault and that I can do something about but can't because of certain situations. Here is a typical Work Week for me (Wendsday - Sunday). I go to bed after staying up on Tuesday night at around 9:00am. Wake up at round 5:00pm eat something, and go back to bed. Then I wake up at around 8:30pm and get ready for work. Then I leave at around 9:30pm and get to my job at around 10:34pm. I begin work at 11:00pm. There is absolutley no sleeping, and i have to keep a constant watch over a vast area. I get off work at 7:00am, Thursday morning. I leave from work at 6:56am and get home at around 8:45 or 9:00am. By this time I have to sleep in order to get enough hours so that I wont get sleepy at work. Well its like this till Monday Morning, my day off. When i get home, everyone is working so I'm home alone all day. Later in the afternoon (6:00 or 7:00pm) my mother and baby bro get home. I kick it with my baby bro and mom for a while until bed time, around 10:00pm or so. Then its tuesday morning, i wake up at around 11:00am or so and change. I do some stuff around the house here and there, and then by 3:30pm I go to pick up my bro at my grandma's house and take him to karate class at 5:00pm. He then gets out at 6:00pm. We get home, I stay up (because it's tuesday) until 9:00am or 10:00am Wensday and go to sleep. And so begins another work week. Try to fit in a workable schedule to workout and stuff in that and you have won me over. I have tried, but workingout 2 days a week, for about 1 1/2 hours isnt enough for me. I'm really over weight, and i need to work out alot!! So as you can see its alot that I do, and little i get payed for. I get payed every 2 weeks, about $558.00 per semester (2 weeks). Thats not enough to last. I need to give my mom one paycheck out of the 2 of them because for some reason getting payed for more than 2,000 amonth isnt enough cash for the 1,000 rent we have, given that the guy who lives with us pays a good amount of that cash. I've been looking into moving out because I need my cash and as much as I love my mother and brother, I cant be giving her cash every paycheck. I just hope god has some love for me, even though he shows it by giving me a wonderful family and air to breath, i wish and prey that my life get a little better. And yea i know that there are others out there that live worst than me, but I cannot do anything about that and so I will not try to make it better, and you cannot comepare it to me bitching because neither you or me can do smoething about it. what a life.